How to explain memory problems to your children

Children understand illness differently as they develop. Use the table as a starting point, then follow your own child’s lead.

Toddlers and preschoolers

Young children understand what they can see, like a cast or a wheelchair. Problems inside the brain, like memory, are much harder for them to picture [11, 2]. They may also believe something they did or thought caused the injury [3, 2].

Keep the explanation to a few sentences. You might say:

“Mommy’s brain got hurt in the car crash. The doctors are helping it. Because of the hurt, Mommy forgets some things, like where she put her keys. You did not make this happen. Mommy loves you just the same.”

A simple picture helps: your brain is a backpack for new things, and right now it has a small hole that lets some of them fall out. Then show them the big calendar you use to catch whatever falls out.

School age children

Children from about 6 to 12 can understand hidden problems if you explain them clearly [2]. Concrete examples work better than medical words, and many kids this age understand “thinking skills” more easily than “cognition” [11].

With a child this age, you might say something like this:

“You know how your brain saves new things, like a spelling word? After the crash, the part of my brain that saves new things isn’t working as well. Lots of my old memories are still there. But something you tell me at breakfast might not stick. That’s why I’m using the calendar on the fridge. If I forget, it’s not because I wasn’t listening.”

This matches what often happens after a brain injury, where new learning tends to be harder than recalling the past [10]. If you add an example of an old memory, use one you know you still remember.

Be specific about what is different now. For example, “I can help with homework for about 15 minutes, then I need a break” [11]. Some children this age think they must behave perfectly to help you heal, so tell them plainly that your recovery is not their job [2, 1].

Teenagers

Teenagers can handle more detail, and most of them want it [3]. Tell them what your care team knows and what is still unknown. Avoid promising a date when things will be back to normal [1].

With a teenager, you could try something like this:

“The injury affected my short term memory. New information doesn’t always get stored. It also affects remembering to do things later, like a pickup time. Nobody knows yet how much will improve. I’m working on it in rehab, and I use reminders. You’re not in charge of reminding me. But if I forget something that matters to you, I want you to tell me.”

Teens often look things up online and may find worst case stories, so offer to bring their questions to your care team instead [9]. It also helps if they have a trusted adult outside the family, such as a relative or school counselor, to talk to [3]. Practice what they might say when friends ask about you [1].